Miss is here to visit (October).

Today had me extremely moodier than I had been in a long time. Nothing too serious but just that lovely time of month and it doesn't help today was the busiest at work but thankfully next week will be nice and easy.

So as a result, I didn't run tonight but instead we did our weights. Our roommate came along with us this time so Chu was coaching him. Not a big deal, honestly, I'm feeling very weak today because of Miss and I'm still really sore from the run the other day (although my shins hurt for some reason - which is pretty rare).

Here's a log of what I did:

• 5 sets of 10 bench presses with 5lbs weights
• 5 sets of 10 push ups (not real pushups but it's something)
• 5 sets of 10 butterflies with 30lbs weights
• 5 sets of upper ab crunches (a total of 100 crunches)
• 5 sets of mid ab crunches on a fit ball (a total of 50 crunches)
• 5 sets of lower ab crunches (a total of 50 crunches)

After that set of lower ab crunches, I felt very sad because how I looked... I get bloated when Miss is around but, for some reason, I remembered this GIF (below) and I started to crack the fuck up.

Maybe one day I'll talk about it more thoroughly here but... I realized that I don't know what my personality would be like if I hadn't gotten this mental illness. You see, since I was 17 years old, I was diagnosed with anxiety and clinical depression. There's a chance that I've been clinically depressed for much longer than that. And it makes me feel sad that I don't know what I'm like without it. Has my mental illness affected my personality or has my personality affected my mental illness? Sometimes I get glimpses of what I could have been like or would have been like... but who am I without my mental illness?

Another thing I was thinking about how often people say it's "easy" to keep working out once you start but the truth is, and this is true for me, it's not easier. It has never been easy for me to work out, or do anything that I'm not already comfortable with (thanks, anxiety), but it doesn't get harder. It's just hard. Sometimes I feel like I'm always on Hard mode because of my mental illness and that brings me back again - has my mental illness affected my personality or has my personality affected my mental illness?

I don't know if it's easy to understand me. I don't blame you if you can't. I just wish there was a way to cure everything all at once. Chu is worried about me so he got me some supplements that should help with everything but... we'll see once it gets here.

I'm still going to do my weigh-in tomorrow, though. Even though it's hard, a routine is a routine and I need to keep fighting this poisoned mind of mine to make sure I get a healthier body.

Stay well and stay happy.