At least, I tried.

Today was another bad day for me but work was nice enough to let us leave early. Since I got home early, I decided to just run at the same speed as yesterday - 3.0 speed for 40 minutes.

Instead, this time I watched a couple of episodes of One Week Friends and it made me think how lonely I am too. It was hard for me to make friends growing up because my mom was in the military and we moved but as an adult, it's even harder.

Chu's always there for me but I want to do things with girl friends - shopping, going out to eat, talk shit about people - things that friends do, at least offline but I feel like I'm incapable of making them. And because I'm much older, it's impossible to find someone who likes the same things as I do and can reach my power level.

It's okay. I probably deserve to be alone.

Stay well.

Swollen Feet Makes Things Worse

Last week, I skipped my workout because Miss was especially heavy this month. It sucks. Plus my supplements came. Here's what it looks like:

these are the supplements ive been taking btw @amargatarde pic.twitter.com/jDEczLVi0X

— 【☆】【 @ game jam 】 (@basicbaka) October 25, 2017

For the most part, it's been helping my depression and my energy levels however I ran into a problem. You see, I'm allergic to iodine and unfortunately that meant my feet got swollen pretty bad. It's not so bad that I can't walk but it was very difficult to.

Chu went in for the dentist today to get his wisdom teeth removed and I had to go and buy groceries for him so he can eat. I didn't expect him to be done soon though...

So, after we came back and settled, I went for an intense walk on the treadmill for 40 minutes in 3 speed. Because Chu can't work out too much right now (he's going to be in recovery for a few weeks), he worries about me running out there by myself. The location we ran is by a canal by our place and I forgot to mention before - but we saw something skeevy that night and Chu didn't want me to go on my own. That's fair. I know he's just looking out for me and I don't want his stress level to get too high.

It was a bit hard to walk though even at that speed because my feet are swollen. I was worried that it got worse but thankfully it was just my mind.

In that case, while I walked, I watched H2O: Footprints in the Sand. It's an anime Chu wanted me to watch so I'm still struggling through it. Some of the tropes there are so tiring...

Anyway, the supplements are helping but I don't feel right about talk to my friends on Twitter. I feel that I drag them down with my depression and I really do want to get better. Because of my allergy to iodine, I usually take 2 a day with the supplements but I'll have to cut it down to once every other day.

I hope I can talk to my friends soon. I miss them and the depression and paranoia is trying to tell me ... they don't miss me at all. I know it's a lie. I know... I just need to find a good balance for these supplements. I've only been on them for a few days and I already feel so much better. I don't want this to be taken from me. I don't want to be back that way again...

Stay well. Stay happy.

Miss is here to visit (October).

Today had me extremely moodier than I had been in a long time. Nothing too serious but just that lovely time of month and it doesn't help today was the busiest at work but thankfully next week will be nice and easy.

So as a result, I didn't run tonight but instead we did our weights. Our roommate came along with us this time so Chu was coaching him. Not a big deal, honestly, I'm feeling very weak today because of Miss and I'm still really sore from the run the other day (although my shins hurt for some reason - which is pretty rare).

Here's a log of what I did:

• 5 sets of 10 bench presses with 5lbs weights
• 5 sets of 10 push ups (not real pushups but it's something)
• 5 sets of 10 butterflies with 30lbs weights
• 5 sets of upper ab crunches (a total of 100 crunches)
• 5 sets of mid ab crunches on a fit ball (a total of 50 crunches)
• 5 sets of lower ab crunches (a total of 50 crunches)

After that set of lower ab crunches, I felt very sad because how I looked... I get bloated when Miss is around but, for some reason, I remembered this GIF (below) and I started to crack the fuck up.

Maybe one day I'll talk about it more thoroughly here but... I realized that I don't know what my personality would be like if I hadn't gotten this mental illness. You see, since I was 17 years old, I was diagnosed with anxiety and clinical depression. There's a chance that I've been clinically depressed for much longer than that. And it makes me feel sad that I don't know what I'm like without it. Has my mental illness affected my personality or has my personality affected my mental illness? Sometimes I get glimpses of what I could have been like or would have been like... but who am I without my mental illness?

Another thing I was thinking about how often people say it's "easy" to keep working out once you start but the truth is, and this is true for me, it's not easier. It has never been easy for me to work out, or do anything that I'm not already comfortable with (thanks, anxiety), but it doesn't get harder. It's just hard. Sometimes I feel like I'm always on Hard mode because of my mental illness and that brings me back again - has my mental illness affected my personality or has my personality affected my mental illness?

I don't know if it's easy to understand me. I don't blame you if you can't. I just wish there was a way to cure everything all at once. Chu is worried about me so he got me some supplements that should help with everything but... we'll see once it gets here.

I'm still going to do my weigh-in tomorrow, though. Even though it's hard, a routine is a routine and I need to keep fighting this poisoned mind of mine to make sure I get a healthier body.

Stay well and stay happy.

The Autumn Wind Chases Me.

Usually I update on the weekend but Chu and I decided to run tonight. This week at work has been really hectic but it's that time where it'll get really busy all week until the weekend; and the next week will be completely dead until the next time.

He explained to me that he wanted me to take a rest on Thursday and then we'll run again on Friday. I suppose since we started to run, it might be a good idea. I originally wanted to run on Thursday and then push myself on Friday so I can work harder.

But his idea is just as good.

Tonight, we ran for a little bit - I can't really say how far I ran because the distance between lamp posts varies but in total, I ran to 19 lamp posts tonight! A week already and I'm already doing this much...

But I have a problem. I'm retaining water. I look a big ball but I did sweat a little bit when I ran. Hopefully when I run again on Friday, I won't be retaining water as much then.

However, I have to be careful and work diligently with my weight. It didn't used to hurt before but my left knee is starting to hurt from the runs. I know why that is - it's because I'm really heavy. I hope to relieve that soon... I'm sorry...

As expected though, my right heel hurts but with every run, it hurts less and less. I hope I get to a point where it doesn't hurt as much.

Until next time. Stay well and stay happy.

Why A Cape?

I'm going to try to update more often (usually during the weekends). Keyword: try. Let's hope I actually do it.

Anyway, last night was really fun! You can see on my Twitter thread here on what happened (wrong theater, having a general fun time, and a couple of pictures):

☀️ love live sunshine thread ☀️

— 【☆】【 @ game jam 】 (@basicbaka) October 15, 2017

 Overall, my arms from last night and yesterday's workout are pretty much shot. If you've ever seen fanchants idol wota typically do, well, I only did most of it with them to the best of my abilities (and this is just a tutorial).

Because I live in a smaller city compared to LA or NYC, there wasn't much wota there but... I wonder how I can join. Maybe for the next idol craze...

However, because of the soreness, all I did today was walk on the treadmill. Here are some pictures under the cut for the stats. I also had a waistband that helped me sweat more (which is something I need help with anyway).